Ode to Towels

What is the most useful, most impactful, most versatile item in your house?

The towel.

Look around. How many towels do you have? Probably a lot. Probably more than you know what to do with. Probably more than you actually use. You can never have enough towels.

Just took a shower?

Towel.

Want to sunbathe at the beach but you’re afraid of sandy underpants?

Towel.

Need a makeshift weapon to hit your annoying brother with?

Wet towel.

Spilled something?

Quick! Get a towel.

The towel is criminally underrated. Most people assume useful household items are blenders or can openers.

But who’s there to clean up the mess when your 5th tropical fruit smoothie with kale explodes?

Towel.

Who’s got your back when you struggle yet again to open a soupy can of beans?

Towel.

Towels are often forgotten, left out of the prestigious household item hierarchy.

“But Jason,” I hear you ask, “Is a simple cloth towel more versatile than, say, a dishwasher?”

Ah, see, you’re forgetting the towel can come in many forms.

A towel can be a dishwasher if you let it.

And towels aren’t limited to your typical cloth towels.

In my extensive research, I have found 6 common types of towels used in the household.

Let me introduce you to the family of towels.

The Bath Towel is the grandfather of all towels. It is used for drying the body when it is wet, such as after bathing or showering. It has been a part of your daily routine since the beginning. It will probably continue to dry off wet bodies long after you’re gone. Shape, rectangular. Size, 30 in x 60 in.

The Beach Towel is the hip, young, and rebellious teenager towel. It often talks down to The Bath Towel despite serving the same purpose. It’s generally a little larger than The Bath Towel and is used to dry off after being in the water, but also doubles as a clean and comfortable surface to lie on. Shape, rectangular. Size, 35 in x 65 in.

The Paper Towel is the forgotten aunt or uncle at a wedding or family reunion. It serves its purpose, and then its never thought of again. It is a piece of paper that can be used once as a towel and then be disposed of. The Paper Towel is probably the most used towel, second only to the napkin. Shape, perforated rectangle. Size, 5 in x 11 in.

The Napkin is the forgotten middle child. It is a rectangle of cloth used at the table for wiping the mouth and fingers while eating. Similar to The Paper Towel, The Napkin is often disposed of, never to be used or thought of again. Shape, square. Size, varied from 5 in x 5 in to 15 in x 15 in.

The Show Towel is the baby of the family. It is only there for looks. It does absolutely nothing and gets rewarded for it. The Show Towel is about the size of a hand towel but is trimmed with satin, lace, or linen or is embroidered to make it “look nice.” Shape, rectangle. Size, 12 in x 24 in.

The Hand Towel is the overworked parent who tries to do it all. It is used for drying the hands after washing them but can also double as a dish towel or a sports towel. The Hand Towel is the most versatile of the bunch, used in every restaurant, bar, and hotel spa. Shape, rectangle. Size, 12 in x 24 in.

Next time you use a towel, remember how important that little guy is to your life. He helps and supports you. He comforts you. He keeps you warm when you’re cold. He cleans up your mess.

He says, “Don’t worry, man. I got this. I’ll take care of everything. You have more important things to worry about.”

Appreciate your towels. They are the only thing holding your household together.