Author: Jason Lalonde (Page 3 of 5)

Ode to Towels

May 21, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

What is the most useful, most impactful, most versatile item in your house?

The towel.

Look around. How many towels do you have? Probably a lot. Probably more than you know what to do with. Probably more than you actually use. You can never have enough towels.

Just took a shower?

Towel.

Want to sunbathe at the beach but you’re afraid of sandy underpants?

Towel.

Need a makeshift weapon to hit your annoying brother with?

Wet towel.

Spilled something?

Quick! Get a towel.

The towel is criminally underrated. Most people assume useful household items are blenders or can openers.

But who’s there to clean up the mess when your 5th tropical fruit smoothie with kale explodes?

Towel.

Who’s got your back when you struggle yet again to open a soupy can of beans?

Towel.

Towels are often forgotten, left out of the prestigious household item hierarchy.

“But Jason,” I hear you ask, “Is a simple cloth towel more versatile than, say, a dishwasher?”

Ah, see, you’re forgetting the towel can come in many forms.

A towel can be a dishwasher if you let it.

And towels aren’t limited to your typical cloth towels.

In my extensive research, I have found 6 common types of towels used in the household.

Let me introduce you to the family of towels.

The Bath Towel is the grandfather of all towels. It is used for drying the body when it is wet, such as after bathing or showering. It has been a part of your daily routine since the beginning. It will probably continue to dry off wet bodies long after you’re gone. Shape, rectangular. Size, 30 in x 60 in.

The Beach Towel is the hip, young, and rebellious teenager towel. It often talks down to The Bath Towel despite serving the same purpose. It’s generally a little larger than The Bath Towel and is used to dry off after being in the water, but also doubles as a clean and comfortable surface to lie on. Shape, rectangular. Size, 35 in x 65 in.

The Paper Towel is the forgotten aunt or uncle at a wedding or family reunion. It serves its purpose, and then its never thought of again. It is a piece of paper that can be used once as a towel and then be disposed of. The Paper Towel is probably the most used towel, second only to the napkin. Shape, perforated rectangle. Size, 5 in x 11 in.

The Napkin is the forgotten middle child. It is a rectangle of cloth used at the table for wiping the mouth and fingers while eating. Similar to The Paper Towel, The Napkin is often disposed of, never to be used or thought of again. Shape, square. Size, varied from 5 in x 5 in to 15 in x 15 in.

The Show Towel is the baby of the family. It is only there for looks. It does absolutely nothing and gets rewarded for it. The Show Towel is about the size of a hand towel but is trimmed with satin, lace, or linen or is embroidered to make it “look nice.” Shape, rectangle. Size, 12 in x 24 in.

The Hand Towel is the overworked parent who tries to do it all. It is used for drying the hands after washing them but can also double as a dish towel or a sports towel. The Hand Towel is the most versatile of the bunch, used in every restaurant, bar, and hotel spa. Shape, rectangle. Size, 12 in x 24 in.

Next time you use a towel, remember how important that little guy is to your life. He helps and supports you. He comforts you. He keeps you warm when you’re cold. He cleans up your mess.

He says, “Don’t worry, man. I got this. I’ll take care of everything. You have more important things to worry about.”

Appreciate your towels. They are the only thing holding your household together.

Luv(Sic)

May 20, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

I said it once. I’ll say it again.

Nujabes is my favorite musical artist. My favorite song being “Aruarian Dance.”

I talk about “Aruarian Dance” a lot.

But let’s talk about his other works.

Specifically, my favorite Nujabes album, which surprisingly doesn’t contain “Aruarian Dance.”

Let’s talk about the Luv(Sic) Hexalogy.

Luv(Sic) is a collaboration album between Nujabes and fellow Japanese hip hop artist and rapper Shing02.

Nujabes provided the jazz/latin/soul/hiphop beats and music. Shing02 provided the rhymes and lyrics.

The album contains six beautiful songs, hence the hexalogy.

The songs didn’t start as an album, but more of a song series later made into an album. The first two songs, “Luv(Sic)” and “Luv(Sic) part 2,” were released in Nujabes’ first compilation album with Hydeout Productions, Hydeout Productions 1st Collection (2003). The third song, “Luv(Sic) part 3,” was released in Nujabes’ second studio album, Modal Soul (2005).

Fans quickly fell in love with the Luv(Sic) series.

On the surface, the three songs were about love, both parting and uniting. The first song is simple and fun. It’s a love letter. Shing02 is infatuated with this unnamed person. This person helps him through tough times, comforts him, makes him feel calm. He loves this person.

This person isn’t a person. They are a metaphor for music.

“Cause your beat plus your melody / Makes me speak of L.O.V.E eloquently so evidently.”
“Luv(Sic)” By Nujabes featuring Shing02

The song is Shing02’s bittersweet love letter to music.

The second song is a sequel love letter. Part 2 sounds very similar to part 1 but is more somber. It’s a love letter to someone Shing02 has lost touch with. He states that, despite the pain and heartbreak, the pair can find peace.

“C’est la vie, as they say L-O-V-E eloquently, see every dream has a part two.”
“Luv(Sic) part 2” by Nujabes featuring Shing02

The pair can move on from this suffering.

Again, this person isn’t a real person. It’s a metaphor. Shing02 has lost touch with his music. The song was written during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. To Shing02, music has lost its joy because of the sadness of this tragedy. Despite this, he still believes that he can find peace; that we all can find peace in music.

The rhymes will heal cause I believe in music
In times of need I won’t be leaving you sick
The beat plus the melody’s the recipe
All good souls lost may they rest in peace
“Luv(Sic) part 2” by Nujabes featuring Shing02

Part 3 strays away from the love letter metaphor and simply explains the power of music with a catchy chorus.

It’s funny how the music put times in perspective
Add a soundtrack to your life and perfect it
Whenever you are feeling blue keep walking and we can get far
Wherever you are
“LUV(SIC) PART 3” BY NUJABES FEATURING SHING02

These three songs became very popular among Nujabes fans.

Three more songs were planned to be released. Parts 4 and 5 were already in production. The songs were delayed, however, and fans were concerned if the hexalogy would ever be completed.

On February 26^th, 2010, Nujabes died in a car accident.

He was 36.

His real name was Jun Seba. Nujabes was an anagram of his real name

Jun Seba’s music was lost to the world. He never saw the completion of his many unfinished works, including the Luv(Sic) Hexalogy.

I don’t usually get upset over celebrity deaths. Not to say I’m heartless. It’s always sad when a celebrity dies, especially when they’re young. But I don’t know celebrities personally. It’s easier to disconnect.

It also feels inauthentic. Most of the time, people don’t really care about the person. They’re just sad because they won’t get more music or movies or books from their favorite entertainer.

You didn’t know Michael Jackson.

You didn’t know Robin Williams.

You didn’t know Mac Miller.

You just liked the stuff they made. And then you go on twitter and say, “I’m so sad. I loved him so much. Gone but not forgotten.” How can you love somebody you never met? You didn’t even know him. You didn’t love him. You loved his stuff. That’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not a relationship at all. You’re just a leech, feeding off a person’s struggle to live and using it as a form of entertainment. In fact, most celebrities are depressed because of you parasites. How does it feel to know you’re partly to blame for your favorite celebrity’s suicide? And then you fake mourn on twitter, further adding to the irony.

It’s disgusting when you think about it.

So, no. I don’t get upset over celebrities dying. Of course, it’s sad and heartbreaking. But I’m never sad or heartbroken. Sympathy vs. empathy.

But I’m a hypocrite.

I discovered Nujabes in 2015, 5 years after his death.

I fell in love with his music. I listened to his entire discography on repeat for almost a year before finally deciding to do some research. I wanted to know why he wasn’t making music anymore.

I was heartbroken.

I guess I’m also a selfish parasite.

As for his hexalogy, Shing02 found the instrumentals for parts 4 and 5 on Jun Seba’s computer. He rapped over them and released the songs shortly after Jun’s death.

Three years later, Shing02 conveniently found an instrumental on Jun’s phone. The song was titled “Luv(Sic) Grand Finale.” Shing02 released part 6 the same year, completing the Nujabes hexalogy posthumously.

The last three songs are good. Really good. Especially the Grand Finale.

They’re even more bittersweet and they tribute Jun’s death beautifully.

But they give me a bad taste in my mouth. Posthumous works never feel good to me.

It’s almost as if Jun Seba’s death made him more popular and Shing02 used the last three songs to profit off this.

But the songs are beautiful, nonetheless.

I have a weird relationship with this album. I love it but I hate it.

The name of the album perfectly summarizes the feeling I have for it.

A metaphor?

I’m an English major so I gotta…

The name Luv(Sic) is a play on words combining the word love, misspelled as “luv,” and sic, a Latin adverb used to show that a quote is intentionally misspelled.

This is to say that love is never spelled correctly; that it’s often messy and confusing, which makes us “lovesick.”

I love this album.

The posthumous release to profit off a celebrity death makes me sick.

Dolphins are jerks, man

May 19, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

…on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Torpedoes of the sea. Whistling water cows. Qualified members of the U.S. Navy.

Dolphins are pretty special.

They’re smart. They’re friendly. They have their own language.

Did you know they’re really good at napping?

Dolphins can’t sleep because they can’t breathe under water.

They’re mammals.

Instead of sleeping, they shut off half their brain for 15 to 20 minutes at a time.

They rest one hemisphere of their brain several times a day while the other hemisphere swims, eats, breathes, and watches for predators.

They’re the best nappers ever because they can multitask.

Legendary.

They don’t have time for sleep.

While you waste 8 hours a day as a useless, snoring lump in your bed, dolphins are staying productive 24/7.

“Dude, I can do my taxes while taking a nap. What’s good?”

That was a dolphin making fun of you for sleeping. I assume they do taxes. What else would they do with all that extra time on their fins?

Dolphins also have their own language that consists of clicks and whistles.

Scientists discovered that dolphins name each other with specific clicks and whistles.

“Yo Click Whistle Click Click! What’s good?”

That was a dolphin running into his dolphin friend Click Whistle Click Click. I like to imagine they did a cool handshake after.

I’m not sure why my dolphin character assumed the role of an overconfident dude bro.

After reading about dolphins, I imagine them as a bunch of Fonzies now.

Dolphin clicks and whistles also double as sonar. They use echolocation to locate prey and predators.

“Oh, it took you 1 million years to invent radar? That came with the body, pal. What a loser.”

That was a dolphin calling you a loser because you don’t have a radar system built into your body.

He’s kinda mean. Sorry about that.

A dolphin’s skin regenerates every two hours. Scientists believe this is used to reduce drag while swimming. This also allows them to heal at an insane speed.

Dolphins are basically Wolverine from X-Men.

“Oh, you got a little booboo. Do you need to put a band aid on it so it can hea-“

We get it ok!

You’re better than us!

Geez!

Dolphins, am I right?

Dolphins are also so smart that the U.S. Military has been using them to find enemy swimmers, locate underwater mines, and guard nuclear arsenals.

“General Click Whistle Click Click, reporting for duty.”

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy might have been right.

Dolphins might be smarter than us.

Which explains their annoying, cocky attitude.

In Hitchhiker’s, the dolphins eventually leave earth, leaving behind an arrogant message.

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner’, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.
The hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy

Dolphins are jerks, man.

Unheimlich Penguins

May 18, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

I’m in a book club.

This book club consists of 10 wonderful people.

We are reading “The Complete Fiction of H.P. Lovecraft.”

H.P. Lovecraft was a short fiction horror writer in the early 1900s. He created and inspired what is now called “Lovecraftian horror.”

It’s not so much a book club as it is a books club.

We read two short stories a week and talk about the stories every Sunday.

It’s a lot of fun.

Last week’s stories were called “Rats in the Walls” and “At the Mountains of Madness.”

I want to talk about a certain word that was referenced during our discussion yesterday.

The word is “uncanny.”

“At the Mountains of Madness” has penguins. The story isn’t about penguins, but there is a brief mention of penguins. These penguins are not normal penguins. They’re 6-foot-tall, albino penguins. I had an uncomfortable reaction to these giant albino penguins. I found them creepy and haunting; more haunting than any other Lovecraftian monster that came later.

Others in the book club found them cute and questioned why I thought they were hostile.

I didn’t think they were hostile. I used the word uncanny.

This led to a discussion on the meaning of the word uncanny.

Does the word simply mean something strange or out of the ordinary? Or is fear involved?

Uncanny: strange or mysterious, especially in an unsettling way.
Google definition

This definition is good.

Not great though.

It’s missing something.

Edgar Allan Poe is an expert in the world of the uncanny. His psychological horror stories defined what it means to be unsettling.

The uncanny can take many forms, but one of the best representations is in Poe’s short story “William Wilson.”

This story uses the “uncanny doppelganger.”

Doppelganger: an apparition or double of a living person.
google definition

When William Wilson was a young boy in grade school, he met another boy with the same name and roughly the same appearance. This boy was mysterious and only spoke in whispers. Throughout the story, William Wilson is haunted by this whispering doppelganger.

In this sense, the uncanny is not simply strange, mysterious, or out of the ordinary. It’s more subtle than that.

If the sky suddenly turned green, that would be strange. But if the sky suddenly grew a face, a face always watching, staring, inexplicably grinning whenever you met its eyes, that would be uncanny.

A doll with a broken voice box is a strange sound to hear. A doll with a voice box that speaks your name in the middle of the night is an uncanny sound to hear.

The difference between strange and uncanny is familiarity.

Unexpected familiarity. Unwanted familiarity.

When something is uncanny, it’s oddly familiar but also out of place. It’s known but unknown. It’s paradoxical and our brains have a hard time comprehending. This becomes unsettling.

If you met yourself, someone who looked and acted exactly like you, it would be strange, but not altogether strange because it’s inherently familiar.

It’s you.

But you’re you.

So, who’s this?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Now imagine you met this doppelganger in a place more unsettling.

Not in broad daylight like I assume you imagined it.

No. That’s not fun.

Maybe in the back of a movie theater.

Or a dark alley way.

Or out the window at a family dinner.

And they’re whispering.

And you can barely read their lips.

They’re whispering your name.

That’s uncanny.

In his 1919 essay Das Unheimliche (The Uncanny), Sigmund Freud attempts to explain the creepiness of dolls and wax works. He later confirms that, “everything is unheimlich that ought to have remained secret and hidden but has come to light.”

This later led to a theory called “The Uncanny Valley.” Japanese robotics professor, Masahiro Mori, coined the term in his “Uncanny Valley” hypothesis:

“As the appearance of a robot is made more human, some observers’ emotional response to the robot becomes increasingly positive and empathetic, until it reaches a point, beyond which the response quickly becomes strong revulsion.”
Uncanny valley wikipedia page

This “barely human” robot becomes uncanny. When the robot is made more fully human, however, empathetic levels increase once again in the observer’s response. This repulsive response between the “barely human” and “fully human” robot is called the uncanny valley. This references the valley created in the graph made to map out the emotional response to these robots.

An empirically estimated uncanny valley for static robot face images.

Freud would call these “barely human” robots unheimlich.

The German word “unheimlich” translates to uncanny.

But unheimlich sounds like a maneuver where you shove food down someone’s throat until they start choking.

Would that be uncanny?

I guess not.

Just strange and mean spirited.

I’d love to unheimlich those unheimlich penguins, though.

I Fold

May 15, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

Card games are fun.

In the standard 52 playing cards, there are 8 different types of games. They are:

Trick-taking

Matching

Shedding

Catch and collect

Fishing

Comparing

Solitaire

Simulation

There’s also a game called Eleusis which has its own category. In Eleusis, players play cards and are told whether the play was legal or illegal in attempt to discover the arbitrary rules made up by the dealer. This game could be anything, including one of the 8 games above.

Let’s define the 8 games above.

Trick-taking: play of multiple rounds, or “tricks,” in which each player plays a single card from their hand and, based on the values of played cards, one player wins or “takes” the trick.

i.e. Bridge, Euchre, and 500.

Matching: acquire particular groups of matching cards before an opponent can do so.

i.e. Rummy and Go Fish.

Shedding: be the first player to discard all cards from one’s hand.

i.e. Crazy Eights, Go Fish, and Tycoon.

Catch and collect: acquire all the cards in the deck.

i.e. War, Slapjack, and Egyptian Ratscrew

Fishing: capture cards laid out on a table by matching them with cards in your hand. (These games aren’t really popular in English-speaking countries.)

i.e. Scopa, Cassino, and Zwicker.

Comparing: compare hand values to determine the winner. Also known as “vying” or “showdown” games.

i.e. Poker and Blackjack.

Solitaire: played by one player in which cards laid out on a table are cleared or made into a more elaborate layout.

i.e. Solitaire

Simulation: specific cards are assigned meanings to simulate the actions of another activity.

i.e. Card Football.

These genres are not mutually exclusive.

There are multi-genre games such as Big 2’s (Comparing/Shedding), Go Fish (Matching/Shedding), and Cribbage (Comparing/Matching/Shedding?).

All these games are played with a standard 52 card deck.

But there are also games played on their own unique set of cards, such as Uno, Phase 10, and Set.

1000 Blank White Cards is a card game with 1000 blank white cards, the rules of which are made up as you play the game. It can be played by any number of players, rules are changed and modified constantly, and gameplay can be outside the scope of a single sitting.

1000 cards. 1000 different rules constantly changing. That’s a lot of fun.

That’s also a lot of cards.

Which means a lot of rules.

You know what else has a lot of cards?

Collectible card games.

The original Collectible Card Game, Magic: The Gathering, contains over 20,000 unique cards.

Now that’s a lot of cards.

Which means a lot of rules.

20,000 to be exact.

That’s a lot of fun.

But it depends on who you ask I guess.

Hot Take

May 14, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

The original Star Wars trilogy is good. The prequels are better.

Wild, I know.

Lots of people would have my head on a stick for saying that. But it’s my truth. Accept it or not. I’m not changing.

Most of it has to do with nostalgia. When I was a kid, my cousin had the prequels on DVD and we would watch them over and over on road trips.

I believe the prequels were my introduction to Star Wars. I believe I am one of the few people who has watched Star Wars in the correct canonical order.

1 2 3 comes before 4 5 6, thank you very much.

I loved the prequels and found the original trilogy to be lame.

The originals were ok. But they weren’t fun. To my little kid brain, the prequels were more fun. My favorite was Attack of the Clones, but I loved all three of them.

Phantom Menace for the podracing, the showdown with Darth Maul, and Jar Jar being promoted to General of his tribe and being an absolute powerhouse at the battle of Naboo.

Attack of the Clones for everything: The giant Jedi and clone battle; Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu; the death of Jango and the birth of Boba; Yoda vs Dooku; and Jar Jar being promoted to Senator Representative of his tribe where he literally starts the Galactic Empire, the Clone Wars, and an intergalactic genocide.

Revenge of the Sith for the Wookies, General Grievous, Order 66, and Darth Vader. Unfortunately, Jar Jar wasn’t really in this one.

I’m not going to lie, I also enjoy the original trilogy.

Specifically, for Han and Chewbacca.

Luke is boring.

But recently I’ve discovered that the original Star Wars trilogy wasn’t all that original.

I discovered George Lucas is a thief.

A few months ago, I read a book: Dune by Frank Herbert.

About halfway through, I said, “This is just Star Wars.” Come to find out the opposite. Star Wars is just Dune.

Written in 1965, 12 years before the first Star Wars film, Dune is a story about a boy named Paul who is deemed the “chosen one” and meant to overthrow a galactic empire with a mystical power given to him because of his heritage.

George Lucas stole Paul and called him Luke.

Dune takes place on a sand planet called Arrakis. George stole Arrakis and called it Tatooine.

Spoilers! Paul eventually finds out he is the grandson of a big bad evil guy.

Literally the most iconic moment in Star Wars, the “Luke, I am your father” moment, was plagiarized from Dune.

George wasn’t even that subtle.

In Dune, there’s a character named Princess Alia, who is Paul’s sister.

George stole this and removed one syllable, calling her Princess Leia.

That’s not the end of it.

Han Solo is Duncan Idaho.

The Force is the Voice.

The Empire is the Imperium.

Even the Jedi was a stolen concept.

George’s rough draft for Star Wars referred to the Jedi as the “Jedi Bindu.” He later changed this to the “Jedi Rebels.” I wonder why he did this.

In Dune, there’s an order of super powered humans called the Bene Gesserit. One of their training programs is called “Prana-Bindu.”

Jedi Bindu?

Prana-Bindu?

Coincidence?

The only difference between these two orders is that the Bene Gesserit is exclusively female. The Jedi order might have some females, but it does look an awful lot like a boy’s club.

Oh, but the Bene Gesserit don’t have lightsabers. That’s another difference.

Lightsabers might be the only original idea in the original Star Wars movies. But even then, Paul was extensively trained in sword fighting as a kid.

So there’s that.

When Star Wars came out, Frank Herbert was angry. He said, “I’m going to try very hard not to sue.”

What a good guy. I would’ve sued.

So, I guess you could say I’m right in saying the original Star Wars movies are kinda lame. Because they were a complete rip off. In fact, you could argue the prequels were more original than the originals. They had their own unique ideas.

Jar Jar is definitely original

People hated the prequels with a passion. They hated these unique ideas. They were too different from the originals.

People loved the originals and wondered why George couldn’t replicate that. It’s because it wasn’t his to replicate in the first place.

These people didn’t love Star Wars. They loved Dune. What they didn’t realize was that they were getting a bootlegged copy.

I’m happy to say there’s a Dune movie coming out this year.

I will be unhappy to hear people say, “This is just Star Wars,” when it comes out.

I might want to put their head on a stick.

Moral of story:

The prequels are better and George is a dirty thief.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the sequels.

“El Dinosaurio”

May 13, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

Testing.

1, 2, 3.

Is this thing on?

I don’t think it’s on.

Oh, it is?

We’re live?

Oh shi-

Hello, and welcome to our show.

This segment is called- uh- what does that say?

Oh, “The Reading Hour with Jason.”

The Reading Hour with Jason?

I’m your host and today we’ll be discussing- uh-

Dune by Frank Herbert?

Wait, the reading hour? Jerry, why is it called the reading hour? I have to do this for an hour?! Who put this teleprompt together? I am not doing this for an hour, Jerry. Yes, I know it’s impossible to talk about Dune in anything under an hour, but the audience doesn’t want to hear that. Their attention spans: sub 3 minutes. 10 seconds actually. Did you learn anything in marketing school, Jerry? We’ve got to be quick and to the point. You didn’t go to marketing school? What is the point of you, Jerry?

I refuse to do this for an hour. I don’t care if that makes your job harder. Jerry, I’m not even sure what you do around here. All you do is nag and tell me, “You’re doing it wrong. That wasn’t in the script. Why do you hate me?” I don’t know why I hate you. Maybe it’s your face. Your face bugs me. Now go micromanage a bed of tulips or something.

ahem- And we’re back!

Sorry about that Folks!

Just some creative differences between me, the host of the show, and a useless person who didn’t even go to marketing school.

Anyways, this segment is called-

The Reading Minute?

The Reading 30 Seconds?

I don’t know. Name pending.

We’ll get to that later.

Today we’re talking about-

Dune?

How long is Dune?

400 pages?

No, let’s do something else.

What’s the shortest book ever written?

Oh, that’s perfect.

Today we’re talking about “El Dinosaurio” by Augusto Monterroso.

Here’s the story:

When he awoke, the dinosaur was still there.
“El Dinosaurio” by Augusto Monterroso

Beautiful.

Stupendous.

Outrageous?

Yes, quite outrageous.

So much to be said about this story.

So much happening.

Why was he sleeping?

But, more importantly, how did he fall asleep with a dinosaur in the vicinity?

And its “still there?”

Did he fall asleep expecting the dinosaur to leave?

Was the dinosaur just watching him sleep?

Kinda creepy.

So many questions so little time.

The reading minute is almost up.

My review:

I like this story. Its quick and to the point.

Unlike, Jerry.

A Mouse in a Tree

May 12, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

Yesterday, I talked about spice.

What is spice?

Like literal spice.

Spice: a seed, fruit, root, bark, or other plant substance primarily used for flavoring, coloring, or preserving food.
Wikipedia

That’s not what I meant.

I’m talking about heat. Real heat.

What does it mean when food is spicy?

Heat comes from hot peppers. Chili peppers.

You bite into a habanero pepper and you can’t feel you’re tongue anymore and you’re crying.

But hey, your sinuses are cleared.

Peppers are spicy because of a component called Capsaicin.

Capsaicin: an irritant for mammals, including humans, that produces a sensation of burning in any tissue with which it comes into contact.
Wikipedia

I love heat.

I love to eat spicy food until I’m crying and sweating and breathing hard.

But why?

I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Hot peppers evolved to produce Capsaicin as a way deter mammals. Capsicum plant seeds are usually dispersed by birds. Mammals have molar teeth which destroy the Capsicum seed and prevent it from spreading. Birds don’t have pain receptors to taste Capsaicin. Mammals do.

Capsaicin was the plant’s way of saying, “Hey mammals! Don’t eat me so I can live, yeah?”

And we humans said, “Nah, I like the pain. Give me more pain.”

We are the only mammals that seek out hot peppers for it’s burning sensation.

We like the pain.

Because the pain causes a euphoric effect afterwards.

If you experience enough pain from Capsaicin, endorphins release. Pain becomes pleasure.

I wonder if Capsaicin is the reason we prepare our food. Humans are the only species to care about how their food tastes. Is Capsaicin the prerequisite to this?

Birds eat it, but they can’t taste it.

I wonder if the requirement for intraspecial chefs is tasting and liking Capsaicin.

If another mammal discovered the wonders of spicy food, would they turn into a bunch of furry Bobby Flays?

Is there such a mammal?

Yes, there is.

I lied before. We aren’t the only ones that seek out Capsaicin for its pain.

The tree shrew also does.

It seems Remy from Ratatouille wasn’t a rat in an attic, but a mouse in a tree.

Wulf is on iege

May 11, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

I love old literature.

My favorite piece of old literature is an Old English poem famous for being ambiguous.

The poem is called “Wulf and Eadwacer.”

Get ready. This one’s fun.

This poem can be found in the Exeter Book, a collection of Anglo-Saxon works written in the tenth century. But it is said “Wulf and Eadwacer” was written long before the Exeter Book.

To this day, the meaning of this nineteen-line poem is still debated among scholars.

You probably won’t be able to read it, but here’s the original text of the poem written in Old English for reference:

Leodum is minum   swylce him mon lac gife;
willað hy hine aþecgan,   gif he on þreat cymeð.
Ungelic is us.
Wulf is on iege,   ic on oþerre.

Fæst is þæt eglond,   fenne biworpen.
Sindon wælreowe   weras þær on ige;
willað hy hine aþecgan,   gif he on þreat cymeð.
Ungelice is us.
Wulfes ic mines widlastum   wenum dogode;

þonne hit wæs renig weder   ond ic reotugu sæt,
þonne mec se beaducafa   bogum bilegde,
wæs me wyn to þon,   wæs me hwæþre eac lað.
Wulf, min Wulf,   wena me þine
seoce gedydon,   þine seldcymas,

murnende mod,   nales meteliste.
Gehyrest þu, Eadwacer?   Uncerne earne hwelp
bireð Wulf to wuda.
þæt mon eaþe tosliteð   þætte næfre gesomnad wæs,
uncer giedd geador.
wulf and eadwacer original text

The first thing you might notice is the title names in the poem: “Wulf” and “Eadwacer.” The name “Wulf” is mentioned in every stanza. The name “Eadwacer” is only mentioned in the last.

The second thing you might notice is the refrain:

willað hy hine aþecgan, gif he on þreat cymeð.
Ungelic is us.
wulf and eadwacer original text

These two lines are repeated twice. Once in the first and second stanzas.

I can’t read this poem. I don’t speak Old English, but I find the attempt amusing. When sounding out the words, you can hear the cognates to modern English. It’s interesting.

Or maybe it’s because I know what the poem is about. I could Imagine the text above is confusing with no context.

If you attempted to read it, sounding it out loud, you had no idea the drama and heartbreak pouring from your lips. That’s pretty cool.

You brought new meaning to the phrase “fish out of water.” Yes, you were out of your comfort zone, but, also like a fish out of water, you should’ve gasped but couldn’t.

I’m feeling poetic today.

Ok, fine. I’ll give you the translation.

You don’t have to twist my arm about it.

This translation was taken from Wikipedia. Know that it isn’t accurate. Know that every translation of this poem isn’t technically accurate because the poem is ambiguous. Instead of calling it a translation, let’s call it an attempt to translate:

It is to my people as if someone gave them a gift.
They want to kill him, if he comes with a troop.
It is different for us.
Wulf is on one island I on another.

That island, surrounded by fens, is secure.
There on the island are bloodthirsty men.
They want to kill him, if he comes with a troop.
It is different for us.
I thought of my Wulf with far-wandering hopes,

Whenever it was rainy weather, and I sat tearfully,
Whenever the warrior bold in battle encompassed me with his arms.
To me it was pleasure in that, it was also painful.
Wulf, my Wulf, my hopes for you have caused
My sickness, your infrequent visits,

A mourning spirit, not at all a lack of food.
Do you hear, Eadwacer? A wolf is carrying
our wretched whelp to the forest,
that one easily sunders which was never united:
our song together.
wulf and eadwacer translation

Wild.

That’s all I can say.

Now.

What the hell is going on?

Star crossed lovers? A forbidden relationship? Romeo and Juliet?

Or was she Kidnapped? Tortured? Raped?

Her lover is coming to save her? But maybe not? Another lover? A child caught in the mix?

Who is Wulf? Who is Eadwacer? Why is this child being taken into the forest?

The general consensus among scholars, and I use the word consensus loosely, is that “Wulf and Eadwacer” is a love triangle poem. The narrator is married to Eadwacer but is in love with Wulf. Pretty standard stuff. The word “whelp” in this poem is metaphorical language for the narrator’s child. The translation above reads as though the child is Eadwacer’s, but scholars say the line could also mean Wulf is escaping with the child. It is ambiguous whether the phrase “our whelp” is in reference to Wulf or Eadwacer.

So that’s a little confusing, but not too crazy.

Another interpretation is an angry father versus star crossed lovers, Eadwacer being the angry father and Wulf and the narrator being star crossed lovers.

Interesting. Still not spicy.

I’m looking for spicy.

Yet another interpretation suggests that Wulf is not the narrator’s lover, but her son. The “whelp” is Wulf and he’s trying to save his mother from his father, Eadwacer.

That’s a little spicier, but it’s not quite there yet.

John F. Adams, author of “Wulf and Eadwacer: An Interpretation,” suggests that the name “Eadwacer” is not a name at all. “Eadwacer” can be translated to “property watcher.” In this case, “Eadwacer” would be in lower case as in, “Do you hear, eadwacer?” It’s a common noun, not a proper noun.

In this interpretation, there are only two characters: the narrator and Wulf. Adams interprets the phrase “Do you hear, eadwacer?” as the narrator calling out Wulf’s manhood, sarcastically calling him a “property watcher.”

Adam’s interpretation of this poem has a different tone. Instead of a lament, a longing for a distant lover, the poem is more of a complaint and a rant. The narrator is calling out Wulf for not being a good husband or father. In Wulf’s absence, the narrator has found a new lover who is going hunting with their child.

This gives new meaning to the last two lines:

that one easily sunders which was never united:
our song together.
Wulf and eadwacer translation

Oh baby.

Now that’s spicy.

Dog with a Blog

May 8, 2020 / Jason Lalonde

I joined this family about 2 years ago. I had a family before this family, but I don’t remember them at all. I just remember riding in a car in my new dad’s lap and throwing up a little.

That’s right, I’m adopted.

But I’m not upset about it. In fact, I’m rarely upset. I like to think of myself as a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Nothing really upsets me.

My family is awesome for the most part. They do get upset, though. Especially when I take stuff. It confuses me because they’ve got all these extra toys in the house, but they won’t let me play with them.

I get bored of the old toys they gave me.

That upsets me a little.

But that’s the only thing, I swear.

Ok, I lied. There’s one more.

It’s the pool.

I absolutely hate water. I’m not the swimming type, ok?

Freestyle? No thank you.

Back stroke? Absolutely not.

Doggy-Paddle? More like doggy-don’t want nothing to do with this extra-large water bowl, please.

Don’t ever push me into the pool. I don’t like that.

But yeah, so my family is awesome. It’s no big deal. Let me tell you about them. There’s Sarah who likes to cuddle. There’s Matt who likes to play. There’s Jason who chases me a lot. And there’s Cate who’s always yelling at me, but I know she’s just kidding. She’s such a clown. Oh, and there’s dad. He likes to play this game where he tells me to sit and lay down all the time. I don’t really get it, but it’s fun.

They take care of me. I couldn’t ask for a better family.

One of my family members is very special though.

My mom.

My mom gives the best pets. And she’s always calling me “Old Man Murray.”

She’s so silly.

I’m not an old man.

I’m 2!

My mom takes care of me the most. In fact, she takes care of everybody.

Everyone feeds me, but she feeds everyone. And whatever she puts on their food bowls has the most wonderful sniffs. I love to sniff what she makes.

She also gives me baths, which I hate because water, but she calls me a good boy after so it’s fine.

She’s amazing.

Most of the time I like to think I’m the star of the family, and don’t get me wrong I have my moments, but if I’m being honest my mom is the star.

She supports this family better than trees support those squirrels I can never catch. Which is to say she’s really really good.

My mom is the best mom in the world.

I love my mom and I know she loves me too.

She loves all of us.

She’s the greatest.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom.

Author: Jason Lalonde (Page 3 of 5)

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Wulf is on iege

Dog with a Blog

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